Ken Lesson #2
Our lesson started after we had just stopped shaking from
our trail ride, where Dante, Moe, and Mac all tried to leave us behind. On our
behinds. Fun times were had by all. Skye rode Nova for the first time; Malika
started on Splash (lame as a duck) and switched on to Symphony afterwards. NTS:
talk to D&G about injections. We had just told Ken about our plans to go to
a B show in 3 weeks and Ken decided it was time for serious boot camp.
Jean and Skye worked on their two point for hours while
Malika discovered that her arms are windmills. At one point, Ken patted
Splash’s poll while demonstrating an exercise and Malika attempted to touch her
chin to his poll. Ken’s response: Only go as far as you can.. comfortably. Jean
and Skye were still two pointing. Jean tried to stop and Skye shook her head
slowly. The torture continued, and was only just beginning.
While Malika switched out Splash for Epic, Skye and Jean
started out on an adventure of ab insanity. While Symphony was drawn to the
center of the ring while Jean was posting with no reins, Nova was determined to
climb up the rails. Malika was nowhere to be seen. Jean accidentally slouched
while adjusting her stirrups again, causing Ken to lecture about keeping
shoulders back, sitting tall, and your breastbone out while always being Audrey
Hepburn. Which makes us wonder, who was the trainer who told Ken to be Audrey
Hepburn?
 |
| Jean about to set off another slouching lecture |
Then we discovered that if you cannot touch your toes while
on the ground, it is a near impossible feat while at a halt, walk, and trot.
Then Ken reminded Jean that there is no slouching while toe touching, and that
arms must be swimmer straight. Jean said: YEAUH and went for it. Next came the
near impossible task of lowering yourself to your horse’s neck while pushing
your hips back in the saddle. Jean couldn’t do it, Skye couldn’t keep her heels
down, and Malika got stuck and couldn’t come back up. This was a problem for
all later in the lesson.
At this point, Jean had switched to Epic and Malika was now
on Symphony. Jean cantered Epic and had to pick her hands up. Ken liked it. He
did not like Skye’s canter. Or Malika’s. He made them canter with their inside
hand straight up in the air. At one point Ken made Jean put the dressage whip
behind her back and took a vote about whether Jean looked better before or
after. The vote was unanimous.
Things got interesting again when we started our jumping
exercise of pole, four strides, pole, then a pile of poles. Everyone was confused
about the pole pile and it went poorly. Then it went up to an 18” crossrail and
it destroyed everyone.
Skye demonstrated her flying leg abilities, jean
demonstrated her horse flying abilities, malika demonstrated her inability to
fly; for once stuck in two point position, there is no going back.
The dressage whip came out again and improved Jean and
Skye’s upper bodies while Malika tested the limits of whip bendability. Jean
found it difficult to keep a straight horse with dinosaur arms. Then we got a
bright idea to film the horrors. The cross rail was raised to a solid 2 feet.
Nothing improved. In fact, things got worse.
Highlights include: monkey jump, featured not by Symphony
(monkey jump king of the universe) but by Epic (monkey jump new initiatee).
Nova let everyone
know that she was going to hunter pop over the jump, but that Skye was not
invited along.
Malika stayed on her horse’s neck and never left. Symphony’s
patience was dwindling.
Jean and Skye eventually got the golden “Good enough”s and
quit. Malika was told to be perfect. It was far from perfect. Malika was
allowed to quit when our eyes stopped burning. Symphony called it a success.
For post-ride discussion, Jean slouched while laughing. It was a terrible
mistake and set off another lecture. Ken reminded us that he was not George Morris, he was just a nice man.
When Ken left the arena, everyone promptly dismounted.
There was immediate pain in all muscle groups. We waddled to
the wash racks in shame, Ken’s last words echoing in our ears: “I wouldn’t call
it improvement, I would call it growth”.
